10 posts. this being the 11th. the second in less than 2 weeks' time. total disappointment. juz totally disappointed with the outcome and the process. why am i not asked too. i guessed i'm not part of u pple. not the relevant parties. i noe they might had asked me already. but it helps when u do ask. esp if one of u is a close jnr and the other being from the same year. i still can accept if u are getting pple of ur batch of hb-ers to join but even the 2 to 3 from my batch too?? i really dunoe..i can accept playing with anyone, as long as i'm playing with these 2 to 3 pple..if let say sy is not joining then i really dunoe whether i can tahan playing with a certain someone. i really dunoe. and i'm juz disappointed. i can only say ur team will be strong and is most likely to win. though i'm sure i will be up to keep goals out from ur team but i'm juz sad i have to do this to my frens who didnt ask me along when i thought they wld. even the rest who were asked never ask me along too. when i wanted to play with them and get them along by suggesting their names. just one word

DISAPPOINTED.

very very sad now. i realised i'm being ignored everywhere. everyone ignores me and dun reply to my sms and answer my calls. i give up. u want to reply u reply. else i heck care. at least i did sms-ed before. i noe i'm falling into a period of self-depressed mode and low esteem. but u check the number of times i was jio-ed to go out. i noe it doesn't help dat i always dun go out..but seriously. i dunoe wat to say. the nobody listen to me and being ignored parts dun help too. i will be ALONE.

it has been one year over going two since my last post in this blog.
back here cos I do not want to share this with others who may know of the other blog.

recently, been finding myself still thinking of this certain someone..a crush which i initially thought would have go away after a while..but after so many years, I still find myself thinking about what if I had end up with him which is highly unlikely cos i dun think i'm his type and we are totally just hi and bye frens or less.

had liked a few guys here and there ever since jc and I had find myself not being able to let it go as before. Guessed that's the difference between crushes and really liking the guy.

having graduate from uni and moving into working life, i find it harder to know more new guy frens. i doubt it will even be easy for me to really find a guy i like in the future..what more can i say..i do not know how to end this post..

thought i wont be posting on this blog since the last post. but who knows the future? I don't. Had been quite a torturous few weeks for me..unable to find a job n at the same time going through the consequences of it, had left me thinking why did i not do well in my a levels. n why did i not do well in my uni modules. why cldn't i manage my studies in year 1 well. why. i dunoe. all these stuff that had been bottling up inside me and i dunoe who to pour them to. i felt as if i had went back to my shell, unable to talk to anyone that freely unlike in jc, where i wld still be able to talk to a few frens..now..being quite sure only one fren will be able to see this post, yeah u are one of those frens back in jc. now, not dat i cant talk to u..juz that i dunoe how to approach this topic. dunoe wat to say. dunoe wat to tell. dunoe wat to expect. just like, i would love to tell my dad that i very much want to find a job, get a job and start on a job. to earn some money to pay off the bills n debts. to give both dad n mum a better life. to buy something for my sis n brother. to have something everyone will be proud of. i have so much i wanna do after landing a job. i want to be able to focus both on job/career and handball which is something i like and has been able to excel in my own standards ever since sec sch, not that i was very excellent in anything at all. But being a good hball keeper in my own standards, is what i was quite proud of. I dunoe. seriously. now being stuck at home doing household chores - not that i mind or like it. but i wld appreciate pple or at least one to be appreciated or glad of wat I had done. a Thank you wld be good enough if there's no praise. and no endless scoldings and naggings. i'm not exactly injury-free not that many knows. I cant go squat or kneel down for long periods of time. I cant really kneel down n sweep the floor for long periods too. i dunoe. i juz feel so irritated. that no one understand me. no one totally know me well at all. I dunoe. I want pple to understand n know me well; yet when anyone ask whether there's anything wrong, i will juz cover it up. i dunoe. One day, if u do find me gone, maybe u'll know why.

hmm it seems. that there is a jinx surrounding me. i cant like someone. it seems like whoever i like..will get attached..to another gal, who will happen to be a good fren of mine. seems to be so to me. I dunoe. really dunoe. this time round..can be considered a much more worse case than the rest. It doesnt help when frens started to say he's not bad. same interest. not bad looking (at least not ugly). taller than me (though much thinner). smart. - just not tat bad. though he does remind me of my brother. yeah. the more they talk about it, the more i'm influenced. did i say i'm the easily influenced type? i am. though i noe it's not gd - to like someone cos pple say so.

but i really did start to feel so. perhaps a few mths back, last sem. perhaps even earlier, i'm not sure. were doing something for games earlier cos we were both captains. same clique. but i'm the isolationist + introvert type. then over the months because of the sports, we communicated more as compared to yr1. knew each other during orientation, same grp. but only noe him properly at end of yr1, start of yr2. wld say yr2. i dunoe. sigh. nothing happened during those months, hk trip etc. juz nothing. sigh. n i did nothing, thinking that if fate says so. then it'll be so. oh well. i think this time, fell too deep compared to before. got to stop. can only wish them happy. both are gd frens of mine. sigh. tough to talk to him le. scared of rumours also. eeks. can only say - pple drink, i eat. I had been eating a lot...had been trying to eat less, sleep late, wake up either late/early very, drink less water, gg MIA in hall, hiding in room. haven been able to smile from the heart. very very sianz.

dun like it. dun like my attitude on court.why do i never learn??? why do i say one thing n do another??? i hate it. damn. was determined to change. why did i always get so easily agitated on court. why why why. gotta change!! wat for? angry? irritated? pissed? wat for? they want to be rough/violent, let them be. pple will see. wat's the use of getting angry? why muz i be so arrogant on court? why i muz comment so much? why why why?!!!

throat still hurts though. wat lousy strategy of throwing the ball into the area. waiting for pple to foul or own goal. wat a stupid idea. hello, who do u think you are playing against?? we aren't beginners, neither are we inexperienced!!!! pissed. u think such tatics can make us score own goals?? not when ur players keep pushing us!!! n how dare u comment that pple are pushing ur players when ur own players are the ones who are pushing!!! how dare u?! being rough n violent are parts n parcels of games n i admit it. i totally admit that i was pissed off with the rough-ness but i didnt complain to the ref, didnt i? and who are u to comment that i was pushing?? when i was the one being pushed throughout the whole match n being fouled, n elbowed??? idiot. i am irritated with the rough-ness but i like dat kind of attitude. however, who are u to comment on the players when u do not know wat's happening on court??!!! idiots! how many times were i fouled n how many times did i get a free kick cos of the fouls?? NONE at all!! idiots!

that aside. i seriouslly tidak senang attitude saya. haiz. n pissed! hate them for their off court comments!

being determined to stay away from blogging..the other blog. decided to blog here. dun ask me why i wanna stay away. juz dun feel like updating it. dun wanna update pple on wat's happening in my life. juz wanna slack. play hball. n yeah if u happen to have some gd job lobangs, do inform me. though only one person will noe abt this blog. n dun think this one person will check here cos i think she's busy wif work. haha. tc dude.

created this blog out of desperate. it's supposedly private whereby at this moment, only one of my close frens noes abt. i hope i dun needa blog here anymore cos that'll mean i'm not sad, depressed or irriated or etc. and the few previous posts that i had were cos of me feeling not very happy. hmm.