cool. wat a word. was i ever so? i wanted to be. i noe. at least when i was in sec sch...haha. there was this "she's my idol! i like her!" craze in sec sch. and yeah i was in a girls sch n yeah the she here refers to the snrs. i was in netball when i was in sec1 and 2. there were some of us who had so called crushes on the snrs. i dun think i was one of them. not dat i noe of. but i noe i did admire one of the snrs. haha.

anyway, back to the topic. there were the then sec 4 batch (when i was in sec1) - angline ho and another malay snr who i forgot her name le..ha..then the sec3 batch reali had a number of 'followers' - jw, ee, audrey, doreal, lz etc. n of course not forgetting jade - the snr who's now in the singapore miss universe pagent. the sec 2 batch had a few but as the yrs go by, their followers of course increased..haa..like yq, ll, pl, hl etc.

an anlaysis of why they were idolized. the then sec4 batch was cool. a bit gao gao zai shan. i think that's y. + heng you po li..the sec3s were cool. basically juz cool in their own right and of course they are nice caring snrs. the sec2s were..less cool. haha..cos they were sort of closer to us. they are very very nice snrs though. =)

i still remb a time in sec 1 when i was still wif the sch netball team. we were asked to run 7 rounds ard the main sch compound, together wif the snrs. but then we didnt want to run wif them cos we scared of them...ha..so in the end the snrs ran in the morning b4 sch while we ran after sch when the weather was damn hot. i dunoe how stupid can we get..end up, i was one of the few who ran without stopping. some were walking lor..haa..

oh ya. as i said, i wanted to be looked at as someone who's cool. but apparently i felt dat i wasnt not dat i tried being one..haha. thus i was shocked when my fren wrote a msg to me in my autograph bk in sec 2 dat.."...stay cooL!.." i noe it may mean something else..but hey, someone said i'm cool!! whaaa..=) of course i have my idols. but back then i think it's juz admire. not idolizing if there's such a word. pple like pl, jw, dt, ee etc..jw was quite cool lor. pl also.but i think jw is quite a gd netballer la. i think my idolizing stopped when i went sec3 cos i switched cca. hmm maybe it only applied to netballers back then? =)

i got new idols liao!! hball idols. as in i already had a few la. but got additional new idols now. thus the list is: tweety, xw, sq, sy + hl, dt. i think i'll juz keep on adding to this list lor. unless they stop playing hball. got new netball idol too. thinks she's damn zai though haven reali seen her in action. she's quite blur too. =) n yeah. she's DAMN COOL la.. =)

the pressure is getting on me. i'm not one who likes to talk. but yeah i talk when i'm wif close gd frens. yeah i noe i'm not talking to you. basically i'm juz ignoring u. dun ask me why. i do no know the reason behing it. i just feel like not talking to you. i feel as if i am putting on another mask when i talk. not only to you. everyone else. unless it's someone who really knows me well. i don't know why. i feel bad. but i cant help it. everyone says i shld i just stop giving in. stop helping others. stop putting others before self. i know, for myself, i should just do that. but i cant. in a dilemna.

i'm a person wif few frens. but i think i'm quite blessed in a way. few frens but frens who are reali worth having.

wasnt reali in any clique since young. was always solo during recess in pri sch, sec sch. yesh i dun go makan wif frens. rather sad. was a prefect in pri 5. had to do duty so no recess wif the rest. pri 6 have a few gd frens who i will always eat with. come sec sch, same still have a few gd frens but didnt join any frequently cos was in TAF. yes i was in TAF. i was fat and still is fat. even when dun needa go TAF, i will also go mug. i love my class then. be it lower sec or upper sec, esp upper sec class (4/2'01). haiz i miss them.

was in a clique in jc but it was the main clique. the class was damn fun too. of course, dun needa say, was always in a clique in uni. in hall. the blk4 clique last AY. the best. ok one of the best. we talked. we crapped. we played. we supported each other. we played bridge crazily. those were the days. this AY, is in another clique. now called blk 7 clique aka the main yr 2 clique. they are nice. but it seems that i will always end up forgotten and i admit i'm affected by that. yes i am. oh well, i will juz admit i am gg anti social again. i feel that way. people think that i'm withdrawn, i'm distant. but it is not me who want it that way. i infered that pple dun want me ard and so i withdraw. i get myself away. and yes i do agree that i am just a simple gal. naive one. not reali innocent but still quite innocent and very naive. i think the world is fair. everyone is nice and not evil. 所谓，人之初性本善.

in the AS mode today. no mode to communicate. so if u find me saying few words or not talking. i'm okay juz dun feel like talking. i'm fine. seriously am fine. i'm not tired. not sad. not shagged. juz dun feel like talking. dat's the real me. the REAL wanyu. the one who listens. the one who dun talk. the one who stones (which happens quite frequently nowadays).

been thinking. thinking abt lotsa things. thinking wat may happened had i been studying harder when i was in jc. yesh i think i studied hard when i was in jc n juz cldnt score well. but did i reali do so? i'm thinking, i actuali didnt. i did study in yr 2. how abt yr1? i think i didnt study hard enough. spent too much time on ccas. haiz. i think abt my sis's results. i'm proud of her. yesh i'm proud of her. she's gg to be the scholar of my family. i hope she'll do well. i hope she'll continue to study hard, to learn more things, be it in sch on academic subjects or on subjects from society. abt life. abt importance of being fillal, being not being too impatient. on being thinking twice or thrice abt spending money, abt doing certain things and their consequences.

i admit i'm a thinker. but not a smart thinker. i juz think a lot. i'm a coward. i'm scared of what will happen, what consequences my actions will bring. i'm pessmistic abt the future. my future. so when i see my mum or sis spend money on stuff. stuff that is not cheap. i will ponder. will think. if it's my sis who spent the money, i will scold her. will nag at her. not cos i'm a bad sis. but cos i am worried. worried dat wat if we need the money in the future. we arent dat rich. we were in debt. actuali i think we still are. actuali not us. not our fault or cos of 1 person's fault. but i cant hate him though i used to hate him. i cant dislike him too. but i have no choice.

i have been through quite a lot. not say a lot. i am juz only 20. gg 21. not a lot. but someone my age, someone whose family is of lower middle income and used to be middle, i reali had been through quite a lot. not say experience outside. but at home. how i study. how i juz cant seems to score in exams. how i juz cant seem to fufil my so-called potential. if i have. maybe i self proclaim that i have. how i get scolded, get caned when i dun do well. how i only be rebelious towards my dad. and i'm known to be not rebelious. how i used to think of suicide almost everyday. how i scored well in prelims n tests n not being praised. i'm seldom praised at home. seldom. i should say rare to reali describe the extent.

i'm a failure. totally failure. a jinx too. reali. i'm placing my hopes on my sis. my little sis. sis that i used to not reali like. but actuali i think i'm juz too stict on her le. i was. i dunoe whether i'm still is. but reali i'm proud of her. i hope she will do us proud. she will do mummy proud. she will do daddy proud. i hope she will do us proud. i know i dun say it. i know i am not gd with words. i do care abt my little sis. she's my sis.