in the AS mode today. no mode to communicate. so if u find me saying few words or not talking. i'm okay juz dun feel like talking. i'm fine. seriously am fine. i'm not tired. not sad. not shagged. juz dun feel like talking. dat's the real me. the REAL wanyu. the one who listens. the one who dun talk. the one who stones (which happens quite frequently nowadays).

been thinking. thinking abt lotsa things. thinking wat may happened had i been studying harder when i was in jc. yesh i think i studied hard when i was in jc n juz cldnt score well. but did i reali do so? i'm thinking, i actuali didnt. i did study in yr 2. how abt yr1? i think i didnt study hard enough. spent too much time on ccas. haiz. i think abt my sis's results. i'm proud of her. yesh i'm proud of her. she's gg to be the scholar of my family. i hope she'll do well. i hope she'll continue to study hard, to learn more things, be it in sch on academic subjects or on subjects from society. abt life. abt importance of being fillal, being not being too impatient. on being thinking twice or thrice abt spending money, abt doing certain things and their consequences.

i admit i'm a thinker. but not a smart thinker. i juz think a lot. i'm a coward. i'm scared of what will happen, what consequences my actions will bring. i'm pessmistic abt the future. my future. so when i see my mum or sis spend money on stuff. stuff that is not cheap. i will ponder. will think. if it's my sis who spent the money, i will scold her. will nag at her. not cos i'm a bad sis. but cos i am worried. worried dat wat if we need the money in the future. we arent dat rich. we were in debt. actuali i think we still are. actuali not us. not our fault or cos of 1 person's fault. but i cant hate him though i used to hate him. i cant dislike him too. but i have no choice.

i have been through quite a lot. not say a lot. i am juz only 20. gg 21. not a lot. but someone my age, someone whose family is of lower middle income and used to be middle, i reali had been through quite a lot. not say experience outside. but at home. how i study. how i juz cant seems to score in exams. how i juz cant seem to fufil my so-called potential. if i have. maybe i self proclaim that i have. how i get scolded, get caned when i dun do well. how i only be rebelious towards my dad. and i'm known to be not rebelious. how i used to think of suicide almost everyday. how i scored well in prelims n tests n not being praised. i'm seldom praised at home. seldom. i should say rare to reali describe the extent.

i'm a failure. totally failure. a jinx too. reali. i'm placing my hopes on my sis. my little sis. sis that i used to not reali like. but actuali i think i'm juz too stict on her le. i was. i dunoe whether i'm still is. but reali i'm proud of her. i hope she will do us proud. she will do mummy proud. she will do daddy proud. i hope she will do us proud. i know i dun say it. i know i am not gd with words. i do care abt my little sis. she's my sis.